Part 1: Forsaken into the Abyss of Lonliness

I was talking to a friend. She has always been envious that I have a supportive and hands-on husband. But somewhere in the conversation, I became envious of her strong support network. Humans are never satisfied. Amid the envy, God asked me of a parallel scenario, “Would you rather have a close relationship with Me (your lover), or a community?”

I think the question was about my priorities rather than brushing off the need for a community. It’s like God abhorred child sacrifices (Jeremiah 7:31) but He asked Abraham to offer Isaac as a sacrifice. God never really wanted Abraham to kill his son, but He wanted to test his priorities.

Will I lay down my human relationships on the altar for my relationship with God?

I didn’t answer it with a resounding yes, but feebly I did.

Then it was Saturday, the day between Good Friday and Easter Sunday. An influx of fiery darts of the wicked one attacked my mind. The darts brought to mind the different bits and parts of my life, and the avalanche of my thoughts painted a conclusion. My eyes opened like the eyes of Eve who saw they were naked, I saw this of myself – “I am forsaken”. (Later I saw this was a lie because I still have my husband and children at the very least.)

God understands the depths of my sorrows. At the cross, He was forsaken by His closest – the One who has always been with Him before time.

And at the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, “Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?” which is translated, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?”

Mark 15:34 (NKJV)

Jesus had to drink the cup, and God had to forsake Him for the greater plan.

On the other hand, something must be wrong with me. I’ve read this common advice, “If it happens with one person, the issue might be with the other person, but if it’s with many people, then the issue lies with you.”

Self-blame seeps in. Condemnation beats me.

Abba Father gently reminded me that Jesus was perfect but still was forsaken by many.

Jesus answered them, “Do you now believe? Indeed the hour is coming, yes, has now come, that you will be scattered, each to his own, and will leave Me alone. And yet I am not alone, because the Father is with Me.

John 16:31-32 (NKJV)

The disciples left each to his own because of their fears of being persecuted like Jesus.

So it could be that each left me not entirely because of me – but because of their agendas, fears, busyness, health, etc. Even if the problem lies with me, they didn’t love me enough to correct or stick around. So I need to let go of the self-blame and love myself more. Loving myself more will also make others love and treasure me more. I thought of how people connected with me for a season and left when they were no longer in that season – either because I was not useful to them anymore or there was no more common ground.

Some people pained me more than others, and I struggled in the pool of sorrow and disappointment. Why am I still struggling with friendship issues for so long – isn’t that for teenage years? I was praying for wisdom or help to unravel the knots in my heart.

To which, God said, perhaps my struggle comes from my selfish expectations of the other person too. I expected them to be my close friends when they probably only wanted to be good or mere friends. Or perhaps I could have more empathy and grace for why they drift away rather than having expectations for them to stick around. That’s because, on the flip side, I  would also like those I have hurt unknowingly to extend me that grace and empathy too.

In some of these friendships, it could always have been a one-sided “love” from me. Like how a person doesn’t know who’s a true believer of God until judgment day, we wouldn’t know who our true friends are until time passes or things happen.

Again, on the flip side, if I have offended them in any way (which I might not even know!), they didn’t let me know so we could work out the issues and reconcile. Perhaps we are at this age where friendships are not worth fighting for and it’s easier to let it fade away than work on it. I didn’t share my feelings with them too, because confrontations haven’t really worked well for me in the past. So I cowardly keep it in my heart and hopefully, someday they know that I’ve loved them as friends and that’s why it hurts.

God has since amazingly connected me to a couple of new friends. Yet once bitten, twice shy. I’m slightly apprehensive that they will go deeper to the level of what an INFJ person desires.  Meanwhile, I’m learning to manage my expectations and go with the flow. But there’s hope!

For those who feel forsaken and lonely, I encourage you to find your companionship in Jesus Christ first and foremost.He told me to do so and likewise, I think the word is for you too. 🙂 He understands you because He was forsaken into an abyss of loneliness. Unlike others, He will never leave nor forsake you. I pray God will bless you and me with friends who stick closer than brothers.

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